When Your Marriage Hits Rock Bottom: And Why Collapse Might Be the Beginning

There’s a special kind of panic that shows up when a relationship is dying in real time.

Not the dramatic, movie-scene panic. The quiet kind. The kind where you’re standing in the kitchen, staring at a cup someone left on the counter, and your body reacts like you’ve been betrayed by God Himself. Your chest tightens. Your thoughts speed up. You start building a courtroom case in your head.

For the full interview, click the image above

And you’re not even mad about the cup.

You’re mad about what the cup means.

That’s what relationship breakdown actually looks like when it’s lived: ordinary moments carrying the weight of old wounds.

In a recent VoyageCast conversation, my guest Brian Power told a story that most people would call “too far gone.” In 2024, his marriage went from “pretty good” to total collapse—so intense it ended in restraining orders for emotional safety. Six months apart. No contact. The kind of separation that forces you to stop arguing about the relationship and finally start looking at yourself.

And here’s the part people need to hear: that collapse wasn’t the end of their story. It was the beginning of repair.

Not surface repair. Deep repair.

Brian and his wife rebuilt their marriage through a framework tied to Integrated Attachment Theory (IAT), developed by Thais Gibson and taught through Personal Development School. 

Let me walk you through what mattered most from this conversation—because if your relationship is bleeding out, you don’t need inspiration. You need a map.

The Reframe: Sometimes the Relationship Fails, So You Don’t Have To

Most couples don’t wake up one morning and choose chaos. They repeat what they know.

Brian’s childhood had instability, addiction, and the kind of generational dysfunction that quietly trains your nervous system to live on edge. His wife’s story had its own version of chaos—abuse, shame, and survival patterns baked in early.

And here’s the uncomfortable truth: you can “function” for years with those patterns.

You can pay the bills, raise kids, post photos, go to church, have sex sometimes, and still be running the relationship on the emotional operating system you downloaded at age nine.

That’s why breakdown moments feel so shocking. You weren’t trying to destroy anything. You were just doing what you learned.

Brian said something that landed hard: we’re all secure until the crap hits the fan. And it’s true. A lot of us look stable right up until we get triggered—then suddenly we’re a terrified child in an adult body, fighting for safety with tools that don’t work anymore.

In his case, the restraining order—painful as it was—created a forced boundary. And that boundary became a gift. It stopped the frantic “fix the marriage right now” cycle and made both of them face the only thing they could control: their own healing.

That’s the reframe:

A breakup, separation, or “no contact” season isn’t always proof the relationship is dead.

Sometimes it’s the first moment the relationship finally becomes honest.

Insight & Integration: The 6 Pillars That Actually Move the Needle

Brian’s framework is practical enough to use even when your emotions are on fire. And it’s structured enough to keep you from doing what most couples do: talk in circles until somebody breaks something.

These pillars show up in IAT/PDS teaching as key areas of attachment healing and relationship transformation. 

Core Wounds: The Real Argument Isn’t About What You Think It Is

A core wound is the emotional conclusion you formed early about yourself and others.

Things like:

• “I’m not enough.”

• “I’ll be abandoned.”

• “I’m unsafe.”

• “Love isn’t reliable.”

• “If I’m imperfect, I’ll be rejected.”

Here’s the trap: core wounds don’t stay in childhood. They run your adult relationships like a silent script.

So when Brian felt his wife pulling away, he didn’t just feel “concerned.” His abandonment wound hit the red button, and his nervous system went into survival mode.

That’s why he fought harder… and that fighting created more pressure… which made her pull away more… which reinforced the wound… and on and on.

If this sounds familiar: you’re not crazy. You’re wounded.

And the way out starts by naming the wound instead of blaming the partner.

Needs: Stop Outsourcing What You’re Responsible For

This one is offensive to our modern romance religion, but it’s necessary:

If you outsource your needs, you will become resentful.

Brian put it simply: meet your needs with yourself as much as possible so you aren’t living in a constant “please fill my emptiness” posture.

Not because you don’t need people—humans are relational by design—but because when your needs are entirely dependent on another person’s mood, schedule, or maturity, you’re living on emotional credit.

And credit always comes due.

So ask:

• What do I actually need (connection, safety, reassurance, respect, rest)?

• How can I meet some of that responsibility without demanding my spouse be my emotional oxygen tank?

  
  

Emotional Regulation: Feel the Emotion—Then Question the Story

One of the best moments in the conversation was the “cup on the table” example.

You see a cup left out. You explode.

But the anger isn’t about the cup.

The anger is about the story:

• “You don’t care about me.”

• “I’m not respected.”

• “I’m carrying this alone.”

• “I’m invisible.”

So here’s a brutally simple filter Brian mentioned that I love:

“Can I 100% know this story is true?”

Not “does it feel true?”

Not “does my body insist it’s true?”

Can you know it?

Most of the time, the answer is no, which doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid. It means your feelings are data, not a verdict.

Boundaries: A Fence Isn’t a Wall (But It Is a Line)

Brian used a metaphor I’m stealing: boundaries are the fence around the house. You’re the house.

Boundaries aren’t punishment. They’re protection.

And yes—when you start setting them, your partner may accuse you of being cold or selfish. That’s common, especially if you’ve been boundary-less for years.

But here’s the difference:

• A wall says, “You don’t matter. Get out.”

• A boundary says: “You matter. I’m protecting what keeps us safe.”

Sometimes boundaries are permanent (violence, threats, ongoing betrayal). Sometimes they’re flexible and seasonal. The point is you stop living like a doormat or a dictator.

Communication: Stop Listening to Defend. Start Listening to Understand.

This was Brian’s big breakthrough.

He realized he wasn’t listening to understand his wife. He was listening to defend himself—because deep down he believed that if she saw his flaws, she’d leave.

So they began practicing something almost laughably simple:

Uninterrupted sharing. Eye contact. Five to ten minutes each.

No cutting in. No cross-examining. No “well actually.”

Just presence.

And they added an important rule: don’t try to resolve conflict while emotionally hijacked.

If you’re at an 8/10, your frontal lobe is not driving the car anymore. You’re trying to solve a marriage problem with a survival brain. That’s how people say things they can’t unsay.

Behaviors: Do the Next Right Thing When You’re Triggered

This one is where growth becomes visible.

Instead of slamming dishes, you take a walk.

Instead of escalating, you regulate.

Instead of punishing, you pause.

And here’s a detail that matters if you’re the one doing the work:

Your partner might not trust the change at first.

They’re used to the old you. They’re braced for impact.

So don’t do the work to get applause.

Do it because it’s right.

And because your kids are watching.

The Point Isn’t “Saving the Marriage.” It’s Becoming Someone Who Can Love.

Brian said something I agree with at a soul level:

You’re not responsible for what happened to you.

But you are responsible for what you do with it.

Hurt people hurt people—yes. But healed people start breaking chains.

And if you’re reading this thinking, “Cool, but my relationship is so bad it’s basically a smoking crater,” hear me:

Brian’s marriage went to restraining orders and no-contact separation… and they still rebuilt.

Not because they found a magic trick.

Because they stopped blaming, started owning, and got tools that matched the problem.

If your only tool is a hammer, you’ll keep breaking windows trying to “fix” them. Repair requires humility—the kind that admits, “I don’t know how to do this, but I’m willing to learn.”

And if your spouse won’t join you yet? Don’t play the childish game of “I’ll grow if you grow.”

Two is better than one—but one is better than none.

If you want to connect with Brian and his coaching, he shared his site in the episode: makeyourrelationshipfail.com (also myrelationshipfail.com). He also offers an attachment-style quiz and resources connected to Thais Gibson’s work. 

And if you haven’t subscribed to the VoyageCast yet, do that—because these conversations are for the people who are tired of losing what they love simply because they never got taught how to repair it.

If you want to listen to the full interview, click the link below.

Apple Podcast