The Weight of Resentment: How Forgiveness Sets You Free
- Eddie Eccker, MS, LMFT
- Oct 2
- 5 min read
The Chain We Carry
A woman sat across from me, arms folded, voice flat.
“I’ve forgiven him,” she said.
But her jaw was tight. Her story hadn’t changed in three years. She was still reliving it. Still proving her case. Still waiting, hoping for the other person to suffer just a little.
This is resentment: the invisible weight we carry. Heavy. Justified. Exhausting. And entirely our own.
We often think resentment is power, that by holding on, we’re keeping control. But as the old saying goes, resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It may feel protective. But in time, it becomes a prison of our own making.
What Resentment Actually Is And Why It Feels So Familiar
Resentment isn’t just unresolved anger. It’s recycled pain.
It’s emotional rumination, a repeated mental loop where the wound becomes the story we live in. And eventually, the story we can’t escape.
Dr. Robert Enright, professor at the University of Wisconsin–Madison and a pioneer in forgiveness science, calls resentment a “maladaptive response to injustice.” In other words, it’s a coping mechanism that starts off protective but turns inward and destructive over time.
When you hold resentment, your nervous system doesn’t get to rest. You live in a state of hypervigilance, as if justice must still be done, even if the moment has long passed.
Why We Hold On: The Hidden Payoffs
Letting go sounds noble. But if we’re honest, most people cling to resentment because it works for a while.
It protects us from future pain.
It defines us as the “wronged one,” which can feel safer than admitting vulnerability.
It shields us from deeper grief.
It gives us identity when healing feels unclear.
There’s a strange dignity in being hurt. It offers clarity. It tells us who the villain is. But if we’re not careful, we become so attached to the narrative of harm that we forget to notice we’re still living inside the wound.
The Psychology of Forgiveness: Science Backs What the Soul Knows
Forgiveness isn’t soft. It’s not passive. And it’s never denial.
Forgiveness is strength; it’s the ability to face reality and release the need to punish someone who may never repent. It’s not trust. It’s not forgetting. It’s not reconciliation. It’s choosing not to let someone’s worst moment define your emotional world.
Dr. Frederic Luskin, head of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, found that people who practice forgiveness experience:
Reduced depression and anxiety
Lower blood pressure
Stronger immune response
Improved sleep and reduced physical pain
His “REACH” model gives structure:
Recall the hurt
Empathize with the offender
Offer an altruistic gift of forgiveness
Commit to the forgiveness experience
Hold on to forgiveness during setbacks
Tara Brach’s RAIN method also helps:
Recognize what’s happening
Allow the feelings to be there
Investigate with compassion
Nurture with self-kindness
Forgiveness isn’t about minimizing harm. It’s about reclaiming your emotional freedom.
The True Cost of Bitterness
Resentment creates a constant fight-or-flight loop in the brain. The amygdala stays activated. The body doesn’t rest. People who live in long-term resentment develop what psychologists call a hostile "attribution bias,” interpreting neutral or benign actions as malicious.
You begin to see harm where none was intended. And over time, this corrupts every relationship, especially the ones closest to you.
In families and marriages, this turns into:
Chronic mistrust
Stonewalling or silent treatment
Passive aggression
Emotional detachment
Narrative-driven isolation (“They never change,” “They always hurt me,” “They don’t care”)
Resentment doesn’t just kill love. It prevents love from ever showing up honestly.
Generational and Cultural Patterns: When Resentment Becomes Inherited
Some families treat forgiveness like betrayal. If you “let it go,” you’re weak—or worse, you’re siding with the person who caused harm.
But this belief system doesn’t protect families. It fragments them.
We pass down stories of grudges like family heirlooms. We say things like “I’ll never forget what they did,” “Blood or not, I’m done,” or “I don’t owe them anything.” And while boundaries are necessary, bitterness is not a boundary; it’s a belief system. One that slowly teaches the next generation that disconnection is safer than reconciliation.
The Trap of Emotional Safety Without Emotional Growth
Many people confuse forgiveness with unsafe vulnerability. But forgiveness does not mean returning to abuse, toxic relationships, or dangerous situations. It means:
You stop mentally re-injuring yourself every time you think of what happened.
You choose peace, not permission.
You learn to separate letting go from letting back in.
Forgiveness says: “I’m not giving you access again, but I’m also not letting you rent space in my chest.”
What About Self-Forgiveness?
For some, the deepest resentment isn’t toward others. It’s inward.
“I should have seen the signs.”
“I let them treat me that way.”
“I ruined the relationship.”
“I was weak.”
Self-directed resentment can be even more damaging. It leads to perfectionism, shame spirals, and sabotage. If this is you, remember: Self-forgiveness is not about ignoring mistakes, it’s about choosing growth instead of self-punishment.
A Path Forward (That You Can Start Today)
If you’re ready to loosen resentment’s grip, here’s a practical beginning:
Acknowledge the truth
Don’t sugarcoat the wound. Say what happened. Say how it hurt. Start there.
See the wound, not just the person
Begin to differentiate the person’s action from their humanity. This isn’t for their benefit, it’s for yours.
Choose before you feel it
Most forgiveness begins as a decision. The emotion often follows later.
Stop rehearsing the narrative
Each retelling keeps the pain alive. Speak it in therapy, not at the dinner table or in your inner monologue on repeat.
Tend to your nervous system
Try breathwork, EMDR, grounding, or journaling. Forgiveness must be felt, not just said.
Returning to the Metaphor: Set the Chain Down
If resentment is a chain, then forgiveness is the act of setting it down, not because you weren’t hurt, but because you’re tired of dragging it.
Forgiveness doesn’t say the offense didn’t matter. It says your peace matters more.
C.S. Lewis wrote:
“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”
Even if you’re not religious, the principle applies: Bitterness always feels earned, but it always costs more than we realize.
Final Word:
There’s a version of you on the other side of resentment, lighter, freer, more connected. You don’t have to wait for them to apologize. You don’t have to keep proving how much you were hurt. You don’t have to carry this anymore.
Letting go may be the bravest thing you've ever done.
Resources for Going Deeper:
Forgive for Good by Dr. Frederic Luskin
Radical Compassion by Tara Brach
The Psychology of Forgiveness by Joe Erick Rivera
Forgiving the Unforgivable by Dr. David Stoop
Stanford Forgiveness Project: https://learningtoforgive.com
Mayo Clinic on Forgiveness: https://mayoclinic.org
Ready for Freedom?
If you’re holding resentment and don’t know how to move forward, we’re here to help.
At Voyages Counseling, we walk with individuals and couples through grief, betrayal, boundaries, and repair.
Call. Schedule. Begin.
Because dragging this pain for another year is not your only option.