Is Marriage a Scam or Are We Just Doing It Wrong?

I’ve seen a lot of comments lately online that echo the same sentiment: “Marriage is a scam.” Or my personal favorite—“I’d rather go it alone than be weighed down by a bunch of idiots.”

And honestly? I get it.

Those aren’t just edgy opinions. They come from deep-seated pain. Pain that’s been worn as armor. Pain that’s been dressed up as clarity. When you’ve been hurt enough times—or watched others get hurt—it’s tempting to write off the whole institution. It feels safer to distance yourself than to risk disappointment again. But here’s the question:

Is marriage itself the problem, or is it the way we’ve been practicing it?

Understanding the Sentiment

In my work as a therapist, particularly with couples, I’ve come to believe this: most people who reject marriage aren’t rejecting what marriage truly is. They’re rejecting the hollow, performative version they’ve seen up close. This version starts with a photoshoot and ends in resentment. It banks everything on feelings but lacks a framework for storms.

The Impact of Our Upbringing

Let me be blunt: healthy relationships weren’t modeled for most of us. We weren’t taught how to deal with conflict or how to repair it. Learning to take ownership was often absent. So, we grow up thinking love should be easy, or that commitment means being chained to misery.

We end up either romanticizing marriage or demonizing it when, in reality, it’s neither. Marriage is something more demanding. It’s more sacred. And, if done right, it can be more life-giving.

Marriage: A Covenant, Not a Performance

Marriage is not a performance. It’s a covenant. A vow to carry weight—both your partner’s and your own—while supporting each other. That’s no small thing. That kind of commitment shapes people instead of merely comforting them.

Jordan Peterson talks about how meaning comes not from freedom, but from responsibility. The heaviest burden you can carry might also be the most meaningful. I believe marriage is one of those burdens. It challenges us to grow in ways we never would have alone.

Cultural Ideals and Personal Growth

Yet, we live in a culture that idolizes autonomy. We’ve traded covenant for convenience, depth for independence. We think the highest form of self-expression is being unbound by anything or anyone. But let me ask you: if you never bind yourself to anything beyond your own feelings, how can you endure? How can you love consistently? How can you weather real life?

Growth Doesn’t Come Through Ease

• It Comes Through Friction.

• Through Staying.

• Through Trying Again.

  
  

The Evidence of Marriage's Benefits

If you want proof that marriage works—not just emotionally, but physically, psychologically, and financially—there’s plenty. Study after study shows that those in stable marriages report higher life satisfaction. They experience lower rates of depression and anxiety. They have better immune health and even increased longevity. Married couples often possess more wealth than singles. Why? Because long-term thinking beats short-term gratification.

It’s not marriage that ruins people. It’s the immaturity inside of marriage that does. When two immature people marry without guidance, without grounding, and without clarity—that’s when things fall apart.

Recognizing the Struggle

When someone says, “I’d rather go it alone than be weighed down by a bunch of idiots,” I hear more than frustration. I hear exhaustion. This person has likely been hurt by foolishness masquerading as love. And I completely understand.

But isolation isn’t strength. Bitterness isn’t wisdom. Making pain your compass won’t lead you anywhere worth going.

The Miracle of Marriage

The miracle of marriage isn’t that it’s perfect. It’s that two imperfect people choose to grow anyway. They choose to stay when things get tough. They choose to carry the weight together instead of alone. That’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a testament to resilience.

Look—I’m not here to pretend marriage is for everyone or that every union should last. Some relationships are toxic, and some need to end. But that’s not the failure of marriage; it’s a failure of preparation, discernment, or healing.

A Call for Change

Marriage Isn’t a Scam

But the way we’ve been doing it? That might be.

If we want fewer broken marriages, we don’t need to dismantle the institution. We need to build it better. We achieve this through honesty, maturity, and a willingness to say, “This is hard. But it’s worth it.”

The truth is this: life will include suffering. That’s non-negotiable. The only question is whether you’ll suffer alone or share the load with someone committed to carrying it with you.

Marriage is one of the greatest risks you’ll ever take. But if you let it, it will shape you into someone deeper, wiser, and more capable of love than you thought possible.

Not Because It’s Easy

But Because It’s Real

In conclusion, marriage isn't just a societal expectation. It deserves a chance to be appreciated for the depth it can bring to our lives if we are willing to enter into it with maturity and a clear understanding of its commitment.