Stop Giving Love Tests (and Start Giving the Answers)
- Eddie Eccker, MS, LMFT
- May 5
- 4 min read
How to Ask for What You Need Without Feeling Needy
Relationships are confusing enough without playing emotional charades. Most of us don’t want to test our partner’s love—we just want to feel seen, supported, and known without having to drop a neon sign saying, “Ask me how I’m really doing!”
But let’s be honest: how often do we expect our partner to read our mind? And how often do we quietly punish them when they don’t?
Welcome to the world of love tests. They’re subtle. They feel justified. But they can quietly unravel a relationship one unmet expectation at a time.
What Are Love Tests (and Why Are They So Destructive)?
Let me paint a picture. You’ve had a rough day. You’re exhausted and craving connection. Instead of saying something like, “I could really use some time with you tonight,” you say nothing—hoping your partner will notice, will just know, and come through for you without being asked.
When they don’t? You pull back. Maybe you sulk. Maybe you shut down. And somewhere in your head, you’re thinking:
If they really loved me, they’d know.
I shouldn’t have to ask.
This is the anatomy of a love test. You’re silently handing your partner a pop quiz—except they don’t know there’s a test at all. And no matter how much they love you, they’re probably going to fail.
Why? Because guessing games don’t build intimacy. Communication does.
And spoiler alert: nobody gets extra credit for mind-reading.
The Root Behind the Test: Fear of Vulnerability
Why do we fall into this trap? Here’s the truth: most love tests are just fear wearing a mask.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of being “too much.”
Fear that asking makes us look weak.
Or worse—fear that we’ll say it out loud, and they still won’t come through.
But here’s the kicker—vulnerability isn’t a liability in love. It’s the doorway to connection. And yeah, it’s risky. It always is. But real love doesn’t grow in silence. It grows in the space where we’re brave enough to say, “This matters to me.”
Or, if you’re having a rough day:
“Hey, I’m not okay, and I kinda need you right now.”
That’s it. No Shakespeare required.
Give the Answers, Not the Test
Your partner isn’t psychic. They’re probably tired too. Maybe stressed. Maybe halfway through a mental grocery list. Missing a cue doesn’t mean they’re heartless—it just means they’re human. If you want connection, don’t hand them a test. Give them the answers.
Here’s what that sounds like:
Be Specific
“I’ve had a long week and would love to have a quiet Friday night with just us. Can we plan something?”
Say What It Means
“When you ask about my day, I feel like you really care. That means more to me than you know.”
Explain the Why
“When you kiss me before you leave, it sets a positive tone for my whole day. It helps me feel connected to you, even when we’re apart.”
What If They Still Don’t Respond?
This is the hard part. You open up, say what you need—and nothing changes. What then?
First, don’t panic. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care. We all forget stuff. We miss things. We get distracted. And sometimes, yeah, we screw up.
That’s why follow-up matters. Not accusations. Just real talk.
Try something like:
“Hey, I know we talked about spending more time together. I’ve been feeling the need for that again—do you think we can revisit that?”
“I missed the kiss goodbye this morning. Everything okay?”
See the tone there? It’s not “you failed”—it’s “we drifted, let’s reset.”
Relationships aren’t about constant performance. They’re about course correction.
How to Break the Cycle of Emotional Guessing Games
Ready to ditch the tests and build something stronger? Here are five tools that actually help:
1. Set a Weekly Relationship Check-In
Pick a time each week (Sunday night, post-kid-bedtime, during tacos—whatever). Ask each other:
How are we doing?
What’s working?
Where are we off?
You don’t need to solve everything. Just touch base. Think of it like emotional oil changes.
2. Use “I Feel” Instead of “You Never”
Say this:
“I feel disconnected when we don’t talk at night.”
Not this:
“You never care about spending time with me.”
One opens the door. The other slams it shut.
3. Start Small
Don’t lead with a decade of pain. Start with something like:
“Can we cook together this week?”
“Can you text me when you’re headed home?”
Small wins stack up. Big ones follow.
4. Celebrate the Wins
If your partner follows through, say something.
“That walk last night meant a lot.”
Let them know they’re getting it right.
5. Get Help If You’re Stuck
Sometimes, the patterns run deeper than a blog article can fix. That’s okay. Counseling isn’t failure—it’s strategy. Think of it like inviting a translator into the room when things keep getting lost in communication.
What’s at Stake (and What You Gain)
When you rely on silent expectations, you build a relationship on emotional quicksand. It might hold for a while, but one wrong step and you’re sinking.
But when you trade love tests for clarity, you build something real:
Clarity
Safety
Trust
And a lot less second-guessing
You won’t be perfect. Neither will they. But you’ll be growing, together.
Ask Yourself This Tonight:
Am I setting up a test—or setting up a conversation?
Have I actually said what I need?
Do I give my partner a fair chance to meet me where I am?
Take the First Step
Tonight, say one real thing. Just one.
Maybe:
“I’d really like some time with just you this week. Can we make that happen?”
Or:
“I miss how we used to check in at night. I’d love to bring that back.”
No hints. No games. No guilt.
Because love isn’t about pretending not to need anything. It’s about saying what’s true—and trusting your partner to meet you there.
コメント